Who has a wedding like this?


Picture the scene. You’re having a lazy Saturday afternoon when, out of the blue, you receive a text message inviting you to a surprise wedding reception that very evening. There are enough clues in the text for you to know that one of your three best friends has decided to secretly get married and spring this on you, but you have no idea which one it is. (Stay with me…)

When you arrive at the venue your intention is to look for the girl in the white dress, but as you step through the door you’re blindfolded and taken to an empty table. Unable to see anything, all you’re left with are your ears. Will you be able to tell, by listening alone, which one of your friends has tied the knot?

The First Dance

You’re feeling optimistic because you know, pretty soon, that your friend and her new husband will be welcomed to the dance floor for the special moment that kick-starts every wedding reception. Lo and behold, there’s a crackle of a microphone and the DJ speaks. “Ladies and Gentleman…. gather around for the first dance. Please welcome your bride and groom!”

Disappointed, and cursing the DJ for not even using their names or giving them a proper introduction, you sit back and listen.

The opening chords of Whitney Houston’s ‘I Will Always Love You’ reaches your ears. You can’t imagine any of your three friends choosing that song for their first dance and decide it must have been the DJs choice. You’re feeling annoyed. As the song plays, you sit patiently and await the crescendo – that moment in the song where there’s bound to be a gasp from the crowd…an explosion of confetti….something beautiful and dramatic to impact their special moment. But there’s nothing. The music continues and you can hear people chattering behind you. You get the distinct impression that nobody’s watching your friend’s special moment. The song ends to a pathetic round of applause and you grit your teeth.

The Wedding Disco

For the next few hours you listen to the music – a combination of cheesy floor-fillers, 70s disco, 80s Old School and 90s Pop (interspersed with a few recent hits and a buffet). It’s all okay, but there’s nothing that gives you any clue to who the bride is. Surely the DJ will play something that’ll give it away? The four of you have spent so many Saturday nights together over the years and you know each other’s anthems and must-play songs; you know all the favourites. But where are they? Why isn’t the DJ playing them? And why are so many people talking and shuffling around? Why aren’t they dancing?

You’re beginning to think that perhaps there is no DJ, and you’re just listening to a plugged in iPod that’s playing a stream of  middle-of-the-road songs. You still haven’t heard a favourite and there’s been nothing that’s made the evening remotely personal or unique. Perhaps you got the venue wrong and you’ve just gate-crashed the wedding of a complete stranger? But regardless of whose wedding you’re sitting at, there have been no special moments, no fun, no games and  no ‘wow factor’. You’re bored. In fact you feel as bored as the man with the microphone sounds.

The Conclusion

At eleven o clock you’re desperate to take your blindfold off and find out which of your friends has organised this. You’ve had four hours to make your decision but you’re no clearer now than you were at the start.

You untie the blindfold and rub your eyes, adjusting them to your surroundings. It’s brighter than you expected. Your eyes sweep across the empty dance floor, looking for the bride, but she’s nowhere to be seen. You scan the room, trying to pick her out amongst the few people who are left, but she’s gone, as have most of the guests.  You search the perimeters of the dance floor and your eyes settle on the DJ. He’s in a world of his own.

“It was Rebecca,” the barman tells you.

Rebecca: who was adamant that her wedding reception would be spectacular. Rebecca…the rock queen of the dance-floor; the girl who head-banged her way through college, lost her voice to Prodigy at Download 2012 and swore blind that her first dance would be to ‘Angel’ by Aerosmith. Rebecca: who’d light a sparkler for the opening of a wine bottle and who ran half-naked across the beach when Tim played his acoustic guitar and proposed to her to Muse’s ‘Feeling Good’. Where the hell was that song, anyway?

Rebecca: the girl who would go down in history as having the wedding reception that nobody would ever remember; the wedding reception that said nothing about the person she was or the man she had married.

You walk away, annoyed. Not just because you didn’t guess, but because there was no way you could have. And that’s when you make a decision. When the time comes for you to get married and choose your DJ,  the very first thing you’ll do is call Barney Grossman.

Posted in: Wedding Related

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